Demi :: A Story By Jay

Subject: Demi :: A Story By Jay Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:58 pm

Quote :

Some say that writing isn't an art form. I say otherwise.

Reviewing this and telling me what I could do to change it would help so much,

Spoiler:

Chapters
- Chapter 0 :: Requiem For the Dead

Subject: Re: Demi :: A Story By Jay Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:00 pm

Requiem For the Dead
Chapter 0

The rain seemed to be extensively aggressive, today. Beads of piercing liquid dropped from the skies in droves, slicking the wet soil slippery and covering the walkways in oceanic puddles. Those unfortunate enough to be caught in this weather would be drenched to the bone. The sky was darkened to near black, moon obscured by the storm’s cloud covering.

However, typhoon weather or otherwise; no one could find fault. Or rather, no one had the will to.

Today was a day of mourning; a memorial of an important someone lost. The people were all dressed in obfuscating cloaks, all reaching to their waists in tattered ends. The hoods on their heads covered their faces, many thankful for keeping the sadness of this day hidden from scrutiny.

The tombstones of the cemetery were all varying in sizes. Some were tall, some stout; some symmetrical, some oblong by geometrical standards. These stones were kept in rooted in the soils of the ground, bound to the earth by glowing chains. The dead were always to return to the earth, from whence they came. Despite the rain, these tombstones remained forever intact; unperturbed by the daunting elements. That’s how they were supposed to be. The deceased were to rest in peace. No desecrated grave markings should ruin the chance for an eternally peaceful slumber.

Crowds of people stood with one another, all forming small groups spread across the entire courtyard of the venue. They chatted idly, their voices only a murmur between themselves. Some chattered their teeth at the cold wind, while their friends half-heartedly jeered at their ‘thin skin’. Many chuckled a bit. It was an inside joke; only people from their circle knew of its true connotations.

Others, however, spoke directly about the priorities at hand. “Wow… to think that she’s gone,” a baritone voice sighed out. He stood higher than the other two he spoke with.

Another spoke up. “Yeah,” a male voice, lighter than the first, but very distinctly male. His response was quick.

The third did not speak, opting to only turn its head.

“Hey, V. What’s wrong?” the first male asked. Turning to look in the direction of V, he found exactly what she was focusing on. “There he is…”

Through the courtyard walked another figure. Dressed in the same tattered clothing as everyone else, he didn’t stand out much. Shorter, he was; especially in comparison to the others around him. However, it was the way he walked; that stride in his step. The way people moved to allow him passage.

He was different. Obviously, this one was someone important.

The second male had turned his head to look. “Hey, there’s the kid,” the obvious statement was completely on purpose. This earned him a glance from the first male.

“I know who it is, Garm,” he spoke the man’s name with brusqueness that oozed familiarity.

The man known as Garm only let a small smirk grace his lips. It soon left as the ‘kid’ came closer.

“Hey there, kid. How are you?” the first male asked.

The boy did not respond. Through his concealing, no one could see his emotion. Upon further inspection, he was also shown to have on a masking. It covered the bottom portion of his face. If they were ignorant of his mannerisms, they’d say that he had no face underneath the garb.

He only opted to turn away from the group, walking toward the largest congregation of people. ‘V’ had turned to follow him, walking a pace behind him.

A number of individuals had given him some words of condolences.

“Hey, are you alright kid?”
“Sorry for your loss.”
“We’re all going to miss her.”

Those were only some of the, intentionally, comforting statements offered by those around him.

When the boy and V walked toward the largest crowd, they were immediately spotted by a man. He was dressed in a white garb, with a cross decorated on the front. Gold trimming and white as the base color was his attire. From underneath the covering was a blonde goatee.

The High Priest turned to a person in the group, tapping his shoulder. The person turned themselves to face the priest, who only pointed in the boy’s direction.

The tapped male looked at the boy. The hood did not conceal the bottom portion of the faces, and thus his deepening frown could be seen. The boy paid no mind. It was something he was used to with this one. Still, the man had decidedly moved out of his way, allowing him leeway with the others.

The boy went briskly up to the coffin sitting on the pedestal. It was closed; whatever was inside was to be preserved from the torrential rain. He knew exactly what was inside, though. It was what you’d expect.

A body; the corpse of someone important. Lifeless and pale, a cold and unmoving mass of flesh; that’s all he would see. Thus, he chose to only lift his hands; clasping his palms together. He began to move his mouth, which – much like everything else about him – was hidden behind that mask. A silent prayer, going out to the occupant inside of the ornate sarcophagus, slipped lowly through his lips. He was not allowing himself to be heard.

Those behind him could only imagine the pain he was feeling. Having lost someone so dear…

“Excuse me, sir,” the High Priest’s voice came as a low hum from behind him. The boy only lifted his head, letting that be the signaling of him listening. The Priest took it with understanding. “I’m required to begin the burial ceremony,” the word burial made all near him flinch.

They didn’t want to hear that. Not now.

Nevertheless, the hooded male only took it in stride, stepping back from the elaborate coffin, down onto a step. The Priest went around, turning to face everyone. The talking had long since stopped, and there was a silence while all were waiting for the ceremony to begin.

“We are all here today,” he began. Standard procedure for a funeral. “Gathered under the skies of A’Crëhīm, and doused in the droplets of Zephyris…” he was referencing two gods, the deities of the Sky and Rain respectively. “To mourn the loss of our mother. Our savior… our Queen,” they dared not speak her name out loud, out of respect.

“This woman, in her greatness, has served our society with the utmost care and respect. With her strength, wisdom, courage, tenacity, and unyielding faith; we have striven through sickness and pain, and have reached a new level of potential for ourselves,” he lowered his head. “We have found peace with one another; synergistic bonds so undying, which not even the mighty Damocles’ blade could manage to cleave.”

And finally, he concluded his soliloquy. “With this said, it is with the greatest of sorrow that we see our Queen’s coffin…”

No one would dare speak. They’d only hold their heads to the ground, eyes closed in a silent weep. Shudders erupted as the rain began to pour harder. Even the heavens wept uncontrollably during this day.

Death was something that, while unavoidable, had the most impact on those who lived. It was that inescapable force of nature that cannot be controlled or reversed, no matter the power.

The Priest continued. “With her burial, we are forced to carry on the burdens of the Queen’s work,” many of the crowd raised their heads. “And our first task… is the training of our newest ruler.”

That was the statement that broke the silence. Many confused and, more or less, agitated responses came from the crowd. The Priest could not pinpoint them all, but he knew the gist. Looking to one of the figures standing in front, the Priest gestured for him to step forward.

It was a man everyone knew. “I am pleased to announce that our newest ruling candidate has been chosen in the Queen’s will,” the Priest’s news was a bit shocking to all. “Welcome to your ascension… Aegis Kleric.”

The man named Aegis let down his hood, sandy blonde hair and brown skin coming into view. His eyes were fierce, but his mouth was upturned slightly. “I humbly accept,” his voice was cool, collected.

The young boy only narrowed his own eyes. Aegis looked to the boy, addressing him. “And it is with great pleasure that I take over the training of our future King…” the boy, though reluctant, decidedly stepped up onto the podium, standing next to the man. “I, Aegis Kleric, will accept the task of training our King-in-Training,” he announced once again. It was done for effect. Turning his head, he finally addressed the boy personally.

“Son of the Queen; I will be your guide into the forthcoming,” the forthcoming… the thought would’ve made the boy shiver had the rain not done so.

V could only look on, her hands in the pockets of the cloak. This requiem’s turn out would be an emotional disaster for many. The look under her hood wasn’t able to be seen, but one could only surmise that it was less than pleasant.

Subject: Re: Demi :: A Story By Jay Sun Oct 21, 2012 8:48 pm

It was a bit vague, but that's as most Prologues are for stories. (I'm guessing it's a prologue since it's Chapter 0. Unless it actually is considered a chapter...?)

Anyway, that all being said, it has a good, organized structure. It could have been a bit longer, but sometimes we can't help that.

All in all, I liked it a lot. Very Happy

Subject: Re: Demi :: A Story By Jay Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:09 am

Thanks ^^

And the vagueness was intentional. I wanted to give a sense of "holy shit, what's happening here".

Subject: Re: Demi :: A Story By Jay Mon Oct 22, 2012 7:01 am

Yeah, I kinda figured. Razz

One thing I liked that you did, was draw notice to specific characters, rather than just have them "magically appear" like a lot of people I've observed do.

So... you're going to be posting the next chapter soon, right? xD

Subject: Re: Demi :: A Story By Jay Sun Oct 28, 2012 1:09 am

Sometime, soon. Whenever I can.

» A New Dawn (Story)
» Bordertown: An Elfside Story
» Bordertown: An Elfside Story
» Bordertown: An Elfside Story
» Bordertown: An Elfside Story