Doctor's Journey Through Ivalice (LP)

Have you ever wished for odd powers, like Black Magic, or Ninja Arts? Or maybe you're the type of person that wishes for a grand adventure! Or... If you're like me... You just want to kill untold numbers of things with no legal repercussions! Well, also if your like me, you wish cannot possibly come true... Until now... This is Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, a world where killing has no negative consequences! So, join me as I go on my quest to kill everything, and make some new friends along the way, equally as tweaked as I am!




Okay... I realize I haven't even started yet, but come on... Who HASN'T looked at this and thought, "Color Mode?", then began fucking with it? I dunno... Maybe that's just me... Anyways~! Starting...



When I play a game like this, I try to figure out who the main character is, the one I'm gonna be. When I see this, I pick out ones that stand out. There's really only one of them that stands out to me...



Yup, you guessed it. The pink-haired girl. Nothing says "Final Fantasy" like goofy hair. So instantly, I'm thinking "Oh, badass. How often do I get to be a pink haired anything? Doctor's in the house~"




"Err... Because you're weak? And try to enjoy the game?"
God... I hope I'm not this asshole... >_>




Well... In my experience, kids with bear are annoying... Wait... Is that... FUCK THAT HAIRSTYLE! God... This kid? Really? I think I want to be that asshole now...




I don't think I like wherever the hell we are... This place seem populated with assholes... Also... That hat sucks. Hoodies are badass. Get one.





Okay... Really starting to dislike this place... I'm guessing that I'm the new kid, and I don't speak much. All the better, because the ones that don't talk much are the ones that shoot up the place.




She doesn't mince words... Which means I am not the pink-haired girl Y_Y



If you're blue and you don't know where to go, why don't you go where fashion sits?




Wait... Start what? I'm just the new kid! What are we doing? Where even are we? Why is that kid missing his teddy? I'm just... Well, in case of orgy, there's two girls on my side ^_^




Oh... I beg to differ...



See? Totally.



... But I like being the Doctor, so we'll go with this.



Well... You should be. The kids that were teasing you started teasing me!




Hmm... This version of "Doctor" is nice to people... It makes it hard to tell people how I really feel when my character talks... Right after they call him a little girl for NOT talking... At least he's got gumption...



Once again... This place is full of assholes and people that tell me nothing. Perhaps this "Mr. Leslaie" can help me out. He's obviously in a place of authority, right?



Huh... A snowball fight? Well... *puts on three winter jackets, four pairs of gloves, two hats, and a pair of steel-toed boots* Yup.




Oh? Thanks for asking. I mean, I come from a cold place myself, so I'm no stranger to snow, but it's nice that you're worried.




.....
.....
.....
... What?

Oh, well... Tutorial on the commands follows...















So that's the tutorial... Kinda longer than it should be, and leaves out a key point. You don't have to move first. Generally, you do to get within attack range. But if you're already in attack range, it would be kinda crappy if it FORCED you to move before you attacked, right? Anyways, I'm not going to take up much more time, so this is the gist of my next moments...








That's right. Team-killing at it's finest. It's his own fault, really... Getting those bullies all up in my business...





Errr... I... It was them. I had nothing to do with this.




Doctor doing what he does best~




Doctor does not care for second opinions...







Hmmm... Now they're on her... This place is incredibly un fair to everyone... How terrible...
.....
.....
.....
I KNEW IT!!!






Well... Thank god Mr. Leslaie was here to stop that. Not shown: Ritz totally about to deck that guy, and Mewt whining like a bitch about a rock hitting his forehead. I saw the pixels. It was a pebble at best... Little bitch. Oh, and I'm now in this School for a degree in spherical ice deployment.





I would love to buy a book! Except that I really wouldn't.





I also have a good excuse. I mean, I could probably fix it, but the kid's a dick. Like... Seriously... >_>




Well... That narrows it down a lot... *is totally being sarcastic*




I care so little about him that I'll put unnecessary commas and word switches in my speech patterns to amplify my hatred for him.



If I asked you, it's okay... Really... I promise. Also... I have a yellow house, and totally forgot to screencap it... FML.

Anyways, I skipped a scene here. Why? Because it was unneeded. I'll give you a basic rundown.
-Us three are walking down the street
-We see Mewt's dad cringing with his boss and a coworker
-Ritz totally calls him out on it
-Mr. Randall (Dad) talks to Mewt for a bit, saying nothing important.
-Dad runs off
-Mewt tells us of his dead mother
-I tell him to cheer up and leave
-Ritz gets on Mewt about me not having a father, even though I'm the "new kid"

Moral of this story? Did anything interesting happen? Not really, but I miss my Daddy...

Next Time on Doctor Plays... The Hospital! Wait, what do you mean the intro's not over? Are you kidding me? Nope~ Stay tuned.

So yeah, a short recap. We learned the controls, we learned the battle mechanics, and we learned that everyone, save for one guy, is an asshole in St. Ivalice. Everyone except me. Yup. Oh, and I think Ritz totally has a femboner for me. Anywho...
The epic Conclusion of the Tutorial begins!

We go to the Hospital, and immediately...





He begins to ride my ass... Honestly, I think for a kid in a wheelchair, he hasn't been taken down enough pegs... Now, if the real Doctor were here...




Sadly... This is not the case... Anyways... On with the story, I guess...




Ah, yes... The Doctor has guests...



Ummm... No. Take the dick out of your ears... If you can't tell, Mewt and Doned are in the running for most hated FF character of all time...





Err... Not going to lie, this is a bit of a derp on my part... I think that if someone is always reading books, they they should like them... Of course, random guessing on my part.




Oh... Wow... Way to be a fucking downer... I'm trying to cheer you up by bringing over friends, and you act like this? Do it while they're here, and I'll give you more of a reason to stay hospitalized...




She actually means that she's my bedmates... Y'know... 'Cause she totally is...



Err... Ritz? No one cares about the little bitch. We'll start caring when he mans up and introduces himself.





Either the book is in another language, or we have a classic case of "bookstore owner gets drunk one night, picks out a book and randomly scribbles in it, making it illegible.
....
....
That, or Mewt's going to the wrong school. I'm pretty sure the School for Spherical Ice Deployment doesn't teach kids how to read...




Honestly, I really don't care. I'm not holding it on your eye level so you can read it. You irk me, you crippled dwarf... Anywho~ Montage time!



Book... I'm guessing we're reading it now, so... Yeah.



Huh... Cute girl... Weird clothes...



Guh... Err... Ahh... Looks like a lizard with Davy Jones's tentacles on it's head...



O.o... Errr... This is no book I remember! What's with the trunkless elephant?



O////O... Ah, well... A girl with spike rabbit ears... I, uhh...



And this... This just... I don't know anymore, man... What the fuck am I getting into? I just... I dunno, man!

Anyways, end of the montage. I have to play this game like I've never played it before, because it's funnier that way. That, and I'm remembering when I first played this... Right when it first came out. Yes, these were my actual reactions. Gimme a break, I was like ten...




In my experience, once someone TRIES to read something they can't, it always ends up badly. Seriously... Just don't...





Ritz... Please... Don't do this... Don't try to read it... Something bad is going to happen. I know it. Just... Please... Just close the book and walk away... We don't need any Labyrinth shit going on. David Bowie is evil enough for one movie.




God damn you, Mewt. Honestly. If anything happens from this, I will go out of my way to make your life a living hell. I swear to the Gods. I will resurrect your dead mother and kill her with my own personal army. [EPIC FORESHADOWING]





Doned... Once more, and you're joining Teddy Bitch in the pit of despair...



Stairs... I will find them, and you will meet them...






I've decided I'd try to get to know the only person in my circle of "friends" by asking her this. I rather expected something different... Well, at least she didn't say Twilight...
Well, question of the day here! What video game would you make real?



Err... No one asked you, but way to break the fourth wall...

Anywho, Everyone leave, and Doned takes some medicine. Nothing major.
THEN!
All of this shit happens.










Yeah... I totally didn't see this coming...
I warned the little bastard...
You never read stuff from a book you don't understand.
Common magic game sense.

Next time on DJTI!



Stay tuned for part three!

Welcome back!
Last time on Doctor's Journey Through Ivalice...



...
Astute.
Possibly the most slate, emotionless surprise reaction I've ever seen. I just slept through that, and this is my reaction, instead of something like...



Exactly.
Also, this picture is for you, Mugetsu. I coulda chose a better one, but I gotta appease the LOLcat lovers here. So here. A cat in the snow. Go nuts :3

Anywho, I look around, and...



The fuck is that? The fuck are you? The fuck am I?



Whoa, geez... I know what's going on here... I'm a little disoriented from last night, but surely the creepy looking whatever-the-fuck-it-is that has lived here since this place was made...
Err...
...
Damn, we're going to crash.



Err... Ow... And junk... Feels like I just walked into Godzilla...




Oh, Gods... I did... I ran into... Wait... Son?... *tears up* Da-Daddy?Is that you? What has this world done to you?!?!





Once again... Astute... He does look remotely reptilian, and to a degree, somewhat like a lizard.
This Doctor needs a review of his mental capabilities.
And his emotions.



Well... At least the lizard can hear... He doesn't have much else going for him.



Err... Wow... So lizard is a racial slur... Well Lizard where I come from is a badass-looking animal, so take the compliment.



... Uh-huh... Someone knows me here? And I have no idea where I am? This adventure brought to you by: Tequila!





My reaction exactly.
A walking stuffed animal claims to know me, where I live, and is telling that to a anthropomorphic lizard with Davy Jones hair?
...
My mind is so full of fuck...




Soldier? Great... The hell did I do while I was asleep? Joined the army while I was in a drunken stupor? Plus, I married my father, who is an anthro lizard with Davy Jones hair? Make it worse and I might explode.



Err... Ahhh... Guy in armor riding a flightless bird wearing armor... SPAWNS RIGHT NEXT TO ME.



Luckily, Kilik used Life3 on me after I killed myself before I lost it, so... Good.
Good that he did that... Making me live through this would have been much... Err...
Well... At least I'm not dead...



You can tell by my stance that, despite being revived and reassured, I'm still flipping my shit.
Also, since he's in the process of engaging me... REJECTREJECTREJECTREJECTREJECT



Oh... Good... I thought my lizard father was trying to marry me...
That would have been an awkward thing to tell Mom...
But still... My dad wants to fight me?
I don't like this place at all...
IT's even worse than Ivalice, and that place was populated with assholes...





Of course, I was being gentle here.
I can't say my actual reaction because this is a nice game.
Wouldn't want to scare the children, even if by saying "the children" I'm lumping in Doned and possibly Mewt.
The latter of whom might just be a brooding man-child.
But! I digress.




Please, bitch... Doctor doesn't obey laws.
If he did, there would be a collection of... Well...
Something illegal, I can tell you that.
Anywho, time to vent my anger!





FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE STUFFED BITCH!!!
Honestly, I see why Kyo hates Moogles so much now.
They're all know-it-all little pricks.
Plus, they smell like wet cat.



Huh... Okay... I wont kill him this time... I s'pose the little fluffernutter has some uses other than being a pit bull toy...



... Says the only one to emerge without a scratch and only one to land a single critical hit...



Wait... Items? No! Father, those are against the law! Don't!



Oh, god... Now you've done it... Well... What's the worst that can happen?






Err... Ahh... Whoa... Huh...
That was a little fucked...
Despawning him for using a potion?
And prison?
I don't know, man... Maybe I was better off dead...



Indeed... I wonder what Mr. Stuffed Animal over there has to say?



Oh... Well... Apparently that's offensive as well... Ah, well... Onto other things.





Good thing it was explained to me, otherwise I might have never gotten out or made any progress.
Then again, it is quite self-explanatory...





Oh, sweet! I get to name the clan! Montblanc isn't too bad after all, it seems... Well, the game wanted to name me Marche at first, and that was pretty cool-sounding... No doubt this will be equally cool... Right?



Err... Wow... Erasing that name from the face of the earth...



Now we're going with this clan name. Anyone who has seen the movie will know why. Crazy doctor, human torture... Scary as fuck. Thanks to Kizomaru for the idea <3



Ahhh... If only you knew, my friend... If only you knew...



Oh, I forgot! The World Map is my world, so I can place shit wherever I want! Well... Don't want my cities too close together, so I think I'll place that one there for now...
Time to talk to the Pubmaster! (Only calling him this for dramatic effect)



Mission tutorial time! First, You pick a mission, and go over the details. Y'know... To make sure you know just what you're getting yourself into. Sometimes you can even dispatch your Clan Members to do the Mission for you! You give up using them for direct engagements, but they'll be back with a pass or fail, depending on if they were suited for the Mission or not.

Also, Missions sometimes have a timer on them, and if you don't start them within the Day Limit, then it disappears, and you have to pay the Pubmaster for the information again... It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but this business seems like a good business to get into...



Next, you can add Mission Items! Most missions wont require them, but the ones that do usually give you another Mission Item that is mostly better, or even higher-level equipment! What they never tell you throughout the game is that taking an unneeded Mission Item with you on a Quest has a subtle, but helpful effect. I'll explain this later... When I actually got one.



Lastly, you get this screen. It displays the Cost, Unit dispatched, Mission Items, and how long the Mission will be available to you. Go over it one last time, and accept to pay for the information, or refuse to toss it back in the Pubmaster's face, facing out while flipping him the bird for being a fucking gouger.

Time for our first mission! However, before we get to that, let's meet our Clan Members.



First, there is me, the Doctor. I specialize in anatomical sciences and creepy shit involving stitching things together that don't belong together.



Then we have Montblanc, the fully mobile and verbal stuffed animal that saved me from my father's incestual love. I suppose I like him enough for that...



Benkman... There is nothing awesome or out there about him. He's a very cookie-cutter type of person, and will likely be faded from the clan as soon as I find someone more capable...



Chandler is... Wait... CHANDLER?!?!?



Oh, my God yes... He shrieks like a Marine...
I feel bad that he got the same fate as my father...



Ricardo... Good God... My healer is a border-jumper AND overweight... I would hate to see him actually try to heal me. He might think "healing" is a euphemism for "lawn work".



Lana... Well... As long as she doesn't hide a bear in my oatmeal, we'll be golden...

Anyways, that's the team! Holy god, we're a bunch of misfits... It'll be up to me, Chandler, and Lana to get anything done. then again, if Lana is half as fragile as she looks, this might get hellish...

Next time on Doctor's Journey Through Ivalice!

--> First Mission!
--> Clan Work!
--> Finding My Friends!
--> Hoping Chandler's awesome will keep Ricardo and Benkman in line long enough for me to replace them...

Stay tuned!